America's Best Resumes - The Job

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Oh The Coming Joys of Summer

Well the weather is warming up and more and more people are making their way outside to romp and frolic. And some go out of their way to make damn sure they look good doing it. At least in their mind anyway. Most of the time they come off looking like complete retards.

Case in point: Bicycle helmets.

Used to be back when I was a kid, only the "special" kids wore helmets when they rode their bikes. It was usually the kids with the training wheels or the tricycle with the big basket in the back. The fucking booger eaters and mouth breathers. The stuttering freaks and the kids that always tripped on their shoelaces even when wearing slippers.

Oh and lets not forget the fat girls that wear shorty shorts and skin tight tank tops with no bra. Im talking about the girls that look like the friggin' Michelin Tire Man and just let that shit flop where it can. The kind of girl that when she walks, the cellulite dimples in her chafing thighs remind one of a warmed up lava lamp.

And speaking of the ladies, we now get to see the feet. Now I'm a toe sucker from way back but LADIES FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER YOU HOLD DEAR - do something with them nasty, gnarled, disgustingly misshapen feets. Here's a fucking hint: If your feet look like you can swoop down from the sky and snatch your lunch out of a river...a pedicure would certainly be appreciated.

Now don't think I forgot about the men of summer. Oh no these lovable lugs hold a special place in summer fun. Admit it ladies, there is nothing sexier than a shirtless man with a big sweaty beer belly. Especially one that likes to hug.

Pretty soon beaches will be opening which will grant us a variety of sun burned, greased up, scantly clad, disgusting people of all sexes, shapes, sizes and colors. We will see Bermuda shorts and polo shirts, and we will also be graced with the ever popular "sandals and socks" look.

Now that we are on the subject of footwear, what rant about the joys of summer would be complete without the mention of flip flops and fucking crocs. Oh these two items alone are enough to entice a Bishop to kick out a stained glass window.

What the fuck are you people thinking? It seems that the world outdoors in the summer is turning into one great big Walmart experience. There is just some shit that cannot be unseen, no matter how hard you try and no matter how much alcohol is consumed. I notice myself, as I grow older, don't give a shit about my appearance either. I'm a t-shirt and shorts kinds guy but I DO have my own fashion presence I grace people with. But, as usual, I have a way to make EVERYTHING I wear look cool.

And THAT"S what it all about when all is said and done.

So the way I see it, we can go through this beautiful upcoming summer two ways. We can pretend to be cool, a phony fraud seeking the approval of others or (this is MY preference) We can say fuck it. I am what I am and if you don't like it you can piss off.

Life is too short trying to please everyone. Its impossible no matter how hard you try, you will ALWAYS rub someone the wrong way. That's life. Fuck people who look at you because you might be acting strange, or weird or a bit crazy. Just remember, this has limits too. There's a big difference between a guy wearing a pink bunny costume dancing down the street and  a guy wearing a pink bunny costume dancing down the street chopping people up with a bloody axe.