Palin 2016

Pull Up Your Britches

Coming down to The Ozarks after living in Chicago for so long was a bit of a culture shock in meeting a few of the folks down here. As in Chicago, we have our fair share of crazy but its more of a fun crazy here.

Most noticeable is the way these rednecks talk down here. (I use the term redneck with the utmost respect) The dialect. The slowness. The phrases. I told Sue that the first time I say "y'all" she has my permission to hit me....HARD...with a fucking hammer.

I was in a Walmart (Im embarrassed to admit but there are 11 of the fuckers in this town) and a sales clerk in the electronics section said this to me.

"Iffin youd be more spific bout what you be askin I might be able to help youins out"

It was like my computer after a power surge. My brain just stopped for a split second and it took a while for the lights to come back on. I asked him to repeat himself a few times, feigning a mild stroke so he wouldn't think I was making fun of him which I was no doubt going to do for the remainder of the day.

I went out for a quick lunch at (appropriately) The Waffle House where I guess they were short staffed on servers that day where a waitress said to me:

"I'll be over yonder dreckly, y'all just hafta wait a minute"

I had to ask one of the locals to translate for me what the fuck she just said only to hear him say:

 "They're busier than a cat burying a shit today and that she was movin' quick for a woman sportin an ass two axe handles wide"

I just stood there in stunned silence, feeling a bit of drool sliding down my chin, with a glassy, vacant stare. I was shaken from my catatonic state by another concerned patron saying that I looked like "I was wound tighter thana banjo string" THATS when I decided it was time to go. Nothing good can come from a redneck thinking about a banjo.

I was "sweatin' like a whore in church" until I realized these were my people now. My friends. My neighbors. My townies. Even though I was looked at as being an outsider because I wasn't anyone's cousin, I was told I ALWAYS had an open invite to tag along when Snipe season opens next week.

And what sez being thankful more than attending a fest where live turkeys are dropped from an airplane circling overhead?

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Are You Ready For Some Football

It's been a rather quiet Superbowl week compared to years past. Used to be that we would see teases of the advertising and there would be hype about half-time entertainment but all that, the once great pomp and circumstances, is suspiciously silent this year.

Those paying the high ad dollars this year are Wix.com, Snickers, Skittles, McDonalds, Dove and Dorito's. Katy Perry (WHO?) is the half-time performer. >yawn<

But I think there is also going to be a football game being played as well. Seahawks and Patriots lock horns with Tom Brady trying to keep The Hawks from repeating. Should be a pretty good game despite the lackluster commercials and half-time show.

It seems this year what seems to be dominating the news stories revolves around The Patriots and their under inflated balls.

So if I was a betting man I would pick Seattle in what I see (and hope) to be a great game.

ESPN's Take On Superbowl

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My Brain Hurts

I just read an article saying that over 80 million people in America believe that God will decide who wins The Superbowl. I swear just when I start having just a wee bit of faith in my fellow primates I see shit like this.

My head hurts.

A few days ago I read another story. One equally as ridiculous but this one featured a man and his family that missed their flight only to learn that that flight hd crashed killing everyone on board. You know, a real feel good story. This man proceeded to thank his God proclaiming what a loving God He was.

I was left wondering what those that perished would have thought of that statement.

Doing research for the upcoming podcast and video I was entertained by snake handlers, lunatics in spirit and goofy ass preachers, so mr brain is about to ooze out of my left ear. Maybe I'll try watching some television. Maybe not.

It's almost as if I have a "stupid" magnet where it just seems wherever I go the stupid people follow me like The Pied Pipers mice. I think maybe I should become a Republican, but that would only be for laughs.

So I need to start recharging the ole batteries and start pumping in some educational, motivational and positive things to entertain me. As luck would have it The Royal Rumble is on tonight. What better way to get back on track than some WWE.

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Oujia Boards

Its no secret I think the world’s religions are a bane on mankind and in a perfect world they would be abolished. The death and destruction caused under the name of their chosen deity has been insurmountable in comparison to any other plague to grace our planet.

But there is one crazy ass belief that stands out head and shoulders among the rest of their nonsense and that is their fear of a toy. The Ouija board. This game has them scurrying around blessing themselves and driving them to their knees in desperate prayers.

For me, it just makes the game that much more fun. 

It baffles me how someone could place so much credence on a piece of cardboard and a hunk of plastic, but then I think about how they can see a tortured man - beaten, bloody and nailed to a stick, hanging until he died - as a vision depicting love. 

These crazy fuckers actually believe that this toy from Hasbro "opens portals" and "summons demons" and other goofy shit. Is there no end to this superstitious, gullible, credulous, looney tunes, bat shit crazy bullshit? These people are living proof that we have not evolved much from primitive man. The problem lies in the unfortunate fact that these morons can breed, further poisoning their lineage with their insanity. 

You might ask; "well whats the problem with letting them believe what they want?' and I can only answer that one way. 

Because it is destroying the world. I tend to base my beliefs on things factual and the facts are abundantly clear how dangerous religious beliefs can be. Some of history's most infamous believers in God include George Bush and Adolf Hitler (Christian), Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi (Islam) Ariel Sharon and Benjamin Nethanyahu (Judaism)

But dont you dare go feeling left out Atheists, we have Benito Mussolini  and Slobodan Milosevic. 

But having a life, free from the spiritual bondage of religion, I have discovered a thirst for knowledge. REAL things. I have discovered a new found love for education. This is quite different in the life of the believer who only desires to believe Satan communicates to us through rock music and that some toys are actually keys to the gates of hell.

In Bob Dylan's song "With God On Our Side" I think he sums it up quite well.

The confusion I'm feelin'
Ain't no tongue can tell
The words fill my head
And fall to the floor
If God's on our side
He'll stop the next war.

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Just Gonna Put An Out Of Order Sign Around My Neck And Call It A Day

I'm tired. Not sleepy tired but just need to sit back and relax, thinking about nothing at all.

Mexicans call this time I seek a siesta. My grandfather called it a nap and I'm a HUGE fan of naps. I actually have the time scheduled in my day planner to do this today. That might sound silly to some but its just as important as the meetings I have scheduled this afternoon. Taking time to recharge is vital in peoples lives, especially after turning 50. Its AMAZING how even 15 minutes invigorates the body, mind and soul.

Plus Im a lazy hippie. Napping is what us slackers do best. Thankfully, I dont have to worry about

having a j.o.b. to get in my way. Bosses are so NOT understanding when they used to catch me sleeping in my cubicle.

I realize this is a luxury that most people cant relish because they got caught up somewhere along the way into irking out a meager living and hating their place of employment. Then they go home to a equally miserable spouse because they do the same damn thing so when they see each other, well I wouldn't exactly call it "quality time."

Dont get me wrong, I work quite hard on Intellectual Coitus and being Reverend Zesty, but the difference is that I do what I want, when I want and have no boss to answer to. I made a job for myself and that affords me the freedom and independence to do just that. I cant understand why everyone doesn't do things like that.

A recent poll has revealed that 75% of the workforce HATE their jobs. Imagine that. Waking up every damn day dreading the vast majority of your day. Is it any wonder why people are such miserable, hateful assholes?

It doesn't surprise me one bit.

Seems to me that if you are the least bit different, in view, thoughts, skin color, sexual orientation, where you live or how you live, from another person, you are fuel to this persons hateful flame of indignation. These same people ingrain their hateful, nasty, mean spirit into their kids as well so guess what? Hate becomes their legacy.

So what are MY personal defenses against the hate in the world we occupy? How do I keep a smile on my face and a song in my heart?

Weed and alcohol. Not that Im in a perpetual state of intoxication, I DO practice moderation with my habits, but it helps me remain relatively calm in the face of peoples batshit craziness. THAT works for me.

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The Things Some People Do With Their Genitals

Primitive people have used scarification and other body modifications to define tribal membership for as long as history records. But genital mutilation allowed our ancestors several additional perks—if you want to call them that.

Infant circumcision serves as a sign of tribal membership in Jews, but circumcision also serves to test the commitment of adult converts. In one Bible story, a chieftain agrees to convert and submit his clan to the procedure as a show of commitment to a peace treaty.

This story didn't end all that well because while the men lie incapacitated with pieces of their dick's cut off, the entire tribe is then wiped out by the Israelites.

In Islam, painful male circumcision serves as a rite of passage into manhood and serves as an initiation into a powerful club. By contrast, in some Muslim cultures cutting away or burning the female clitoris and labia ritually establishes the submission of women by reducing sexual arousal. An estimated 2 million girls annually are subjected to this procedure to this day, with consequences including hemorrhage, infection, painful urination and death.

Remember Marshall Applewhite? He was the crazy ass cult leader that convinced his followers to cut off their sex sabers and drink poison awaiting the arrival of Comet Hale-Bop.

What is it about religion that prompts people to destroy and mutilate their genitalia?

But I really don't blame religion entirely. After all, people have brains, people have choices and unless you have a fucking gun stuck to the side of your head, we have free will. People are destroying their sex parts intentionally. Why?

The answer is way too complex for me to think about right now or to even give a shit. Whenever I try to make sense of nonsense I get all worked up. My blood pressure escalates, my head turns all re and I feel my sphincter pucker.

What fascinates me though is not so much the actual act but the events leading up to it. That's far more interesting. The subtle mind control, Jedi-like in nature. I get the fact that people feel a need to belong to something or somewhere, but if I was involved with ANY organization, church, club, family, temple, abbey, sanctuary or basilica that told me to mangle my meat, I would say ADIOS MUCHACHA and run like I was being chased by the cops.

The closest I ever came was when I was much younger, when sex ruled and occupied every waking moment of my life. I explored fetishism, it seemed to be all the rage. I've seen it in Hustler (who doesn't love Larry Flint) But I was looking more at rubber masks, ball gags, blow up dolls and spiked dildos.

Then I thought maybe a swingers club. That would be fun. All those chicks, going crazy, hungry for my knob but you have to become a member and MY member just didn't "measure up, if you smell what I'm cookin'. So my girlfriend suggested Tantric sex, a blending of sex and spirituality, but you have to practically be a fucking Gumby doll to do it. I slipped a disk in my back trying to blow myself, so that was the end of that.

I didn't like bondage (I have trust issues) and I discovered I didn't enjoy S&M either. Whips and chains, hooks and clamps caused WAY too much pain, I might as well have stuck with another one of my ex girls suggestion and get my dick pierced. (not just a Prince Albert but she wanted me to get an Iron Cross - fucking psycho bitch) and being gay just aint my way (but I DO enjoy their bars)

Turns out I'm just not into self mutilation. I know, I'm a freak right? I must face the fact that perversions are just not my scene so if its all the same to you, I'll just stay home and jerk myself off.