Pull Up Your Britches

Coming down to The Ozarks after living in Chicago for so long was a bit of a culture shock in meeting a few of the folks down here. As in Chicago, we have our fair share of crazy but its more of a fun crazy here.

Most noticeable is the way these rednecks talk down here. (I use the term redneck with the utmost respect) The dialect. The slowness. The phrases. I told Sue that the first time I say "y'all" she has my permission to hit me....HARD...with a fucking hammer.

I was in a Walmart (Im embarrassed to admit but there are 11 of the fuckers in this town) and a sales clerk in the electronics section said this to me.

"Iffin youd be more spific bout what you be askin I might be able to help youins out"

It was like my computer after a power surge. My brain just stopped for a split second and it took a while for the lights to come back on. I asked him to repeat himself a few times, feigning a mild stroke so he wouldn't think I was making fun of him which I was no doubt going to do for the remainder of the day.

I went out for a quick lunch at (appropriately) The Waffle House where I guess they were short staffed on servers that day where a waitress said to me:

"I'll be over yonder dreckly, y'all just hafta wait a minute"

I had to ask one of the locals to translate for me what the fuck she just said only to hear him say:

 "They're busier than a cat burying a shit today and that she was movin' quick for a woman sportin an ass two axe handles wide"

I just stood there in stunned silence, feeling a bit of drool sliding down my chin, with a glassy, vacant stare. I was shaken from my catatonic state by another concerned patron saying that I looked like "I was wound tighter thana banjo string" THATS when I decided it was time to go. Nothing good can come from a redneck thinking about a banjo.

I was "sweatin' like a whore in church" until I realized these were my people now. My friends. My neighbors. My townies. Even though I was looked at as being an outsider because I wasn't anyone's cousin, I was told I ALWAYS had an open invite to tag along when Snipe season opens next week.

And what sez being thankful more than attending a fest where live turkeys are dropped from an airplane circling overhead?

Leave me your comments below and be sure to check out The Beer Machine!