National Bubba Day is celebrated across the United States each year on June 2nd.
I'm not joking. Look it up.
In a nation that hides from its transgressions with things like Dancing with the Stars and American Idol, this is a perfect distraction. Never you mind the facts about the wars or the homelessness in America or "economic recovery" really meaning consumers going further in debt - Tuesday is National Bubba Day.
Granted, it's an "unofficial" holiday - banks will be open and you will receive your mail - but it is just another shining example of how we Americans are desensitized to the goings on around us.
So to all of those named, nicknamed or just sometimes called “Bubba” I raise a mason jar as a toast. CHEERS!
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Well the weather is warming up and more and more people are making their way outside to romp and frolic. And some go out of their way to make damn sure they look good doing it. At least in their mind anyway. Most of the time they come off looking like complete retards.
Case in point: Bicycle helmets.
Used to be back when I was a kid, only the "special" kids wore helmets when they rode their bikes. It was usually the kids with the training wheels or the tricycle with the big basket in the back. The fucking booger eaters and mouth breathers. The stuttering freaks and the kids that always tripped on their shoelaces even when wearing slippers.
Oh and lets not forget the fat girls that wear shorty shorts and skin tight tank tops with no bra. Im talking about the girls that look like the friggin' Michelin Tire Man and just let that shit flop where it can. The kind of girl that when she walks, the cellulite dimples in her chafing thighs remind one of a warmed up lava lamp.
And speaking of the ladies, we now get to see the feet. Now I'm a toe sucker from way back but LADIES FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER YOU HOLD DEAR - do something with them nasty, gnarled, disgustingly misshapen feets. Here's a fucking hint: If your feet look like you can swoop down from the sky and snatch your lunch out of a river...a pedicure would certainly be appreciated.
Now don't think I forgot about the men of summer. Oh no these lovable lugs hold a special place in summer fun. Admit it ladies, there is nothing sexier than a shirtless man with a big sweaty beer belly. Especially one that likes to hug.
Pretty soon beaches will be opening which will grant us a variety of sun burned, greased up, scantly clad, disgusting people of all sexes, shapes, sizes and colors. We will see Bermuda shorts and polo shirts, and we will also be graced with the ever popular "sandals and socks" look.
Now that we are on the subject of footwear, what rant about the joys of summer would be complete without the mention of flip flops and fucking crocs. Oh these two items alone are enough to entice a Bishop to kick out a stained glass window.
What the fuck are you people thinking? It seems that the world outdoors in the summer is turning into one great big Walmart experience. There is just some shit that cannot be unseen, no matter how hard you try and no matter how much alcohol is consumed. I notice myself, as I grow older, don't give a shit about my appearance either. I'm a t-shirt and shorts kinds guy but I DO have my own fashion presence I grace people with. But, as usual, I have a way to make EVERYTHING I wear look cool.
And THAT"S what it all about when all is said and done.
So the way I see it, we can go through this beautiful upcoming summer two ways. We can pretend to be cool, a phony fraud seeking the approval of others or (this is MY preference) We can say fuck it. I am what I am and if you don't like it you can piss off.
Life is too short trying to please everyone. Its impossible no matter how hard you try, you will ALWAYS rub someone the wrong way. That's life. Fuck people who look at you because you might be acting strange, or weird or a bit crazy. Just remember, this has limits too. There's a big difference between a guy wearing a pink bunny costume dancing down the street and a guy wearing a pink bunny costume dancing down the street chopping people up with a bloody axe.
Its no secret we live in a backwards society filled with all kinds of different wonder. Really its a miracle more people dont just walk up to others and give them a firm shake to try and wake the up from whatever funk they put themselves in.
And this is why there are so many comedians out there. The world provides us with an endless stream of material. All one needs is a critical thinking mind, which is something that the educational system we have been indoctrinated in since birth has attempted to destroy.
There's a reason why most successful comics were horrible students and class clowns. We were bored to tears with the traditional teachings. We saw humor in watching the slower kids, the nose pickers and droolers, try to muddle through a paragraph when it was their turn to read aloud. We saw the world for the fucked up place that it truly is. We saw people as the disgusting creatures that we all are.
My first observation is on the incredibly amount of stupid people living in the world today.
Borderline knuckle draggers amazing me that they can actually survive without bumping their heads on everything. More evidence of this is usually pronounced abound any given election. Oh if you just pull yourself out of the equation and just look at all the ants at war with each other.
The candidates that run for office are bad enough but the voters...THIS is where the fun is at. The arguments. The insults. The outright lies. The bullshit. It's all very entertaining and would be even funnier if the results of these elections weren't so destructive on our society and the world in which we live. Political hyperbole is also peppered with religious insanity giving the entire voting process a one-two punch that leaves us all scratching our heads when its all done.
But in all fairness we are not COMPLETELY dumb as a society. We do have our thinkers. Our scientists. Our entrepreneurs. I think what's funny is, is that we live in a world that gives us Neil deGrasse Tyson and Honey Boo Boo and a petri dish of everything in between.
I try my damndest to step away fro political and religion-speak but its so frustrating and difficult at times. I am by no means the brightest bulb on the bush so when I see someone dumber than me, I just have to shake my head and pity the poor bastards. I run into this a LOT on Facebook - the breeding ground for stupidity.
Oh the bullshit we see. The falseness. The loneliness. There are a LOT of pathetic people out there folks and the scary thing is that they all have an opinion. Apparently their opinions are the only correct ones and that everyone else is wrong and just a bunch of dumb old poopy pants people that are destroying their world.
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Winter is my least favorite of the seasons. Sure it gives us the holidays and when snow first falls it looks pretty unless you are stuck out in it somewhere, but even so, the holidays bring with them over commercialization and the dreaded insanity of black Friday deals and the snow, after it remains on the ground for a while turns into a dirty, icy, sloppy mess.
And now it is March. We are now in the last grips of winter and Spring is right around the corner bringing with it a fresh set of challenges. Things like (for me) putting together my outdoor space. Grill area, sitting and dining area, must think of music AND how and if I plan on planting a garden this year. OH and the bugs. I HATE fucking flies, gnats and other annoying creatures so I see me going to war with them soon enough.
I must say that winter in The Ozarks, although mild by Chicago standards, suck because no one here does a damn thing when the snow falls. Im not just talking about sidewalks, Im talking about streets. Ice and packed down driven over snow that the town just says "fuck it" to. But all in all I will gladly take winters down here as opposed to the shit storm up north I dealt with for so many years.
So we are looking at Springtime coming. The rebirth of things, when trees come back to life and the critters do their "dance of love."
But there are folks that are not as well off as I find myself. My mother-in-law lives in Boston and I dont think that shit's going to melt much before June.
So stay warm knowing that better days are ahead and we made it thorugh yet ANOTHER winter.
Can someone please tell me how this is even a topic of discussion still. A law born of racism, marijuana prohibition has been the destroyer of lives since its inception in the 30 bringing us the wonderful folks of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics and their poster boy Harry J. Anslinger.
Prohibition of a plant.
What is it about this innocent enough looking and rather pretty flower scares so many lawmakers? Its rather obvious that marijuana consumption is nothing new and I would venture to conservatively guess that 3 out of 5 people in America actively smoke marijuana or at least used to and could give a fuck about who smokes it now.
So what’s the problem?
How could anyone reasonably put this in the same classification as heroin, cocaine and meth? I’m thinking that someone’s not doing their homework. I’m think that if a government is elected by the people and for the people yet fail to provide the public what they want, well, some people need to be replaced by people that will.
I have seen great strides in recent years, surely making more progress than I thought I would see in my lifetime, but it needs to happen faster for me. After all, I sure as hell am not getting younger with each tick of the clock and I would like to enjoy it without the added benefit of diapers and dementia.
And I hear what you’re screaming, relax I’m not deaf, I KNOW there are some states I can go to where it IS legal and I have seriously been looking at Colorado. If I’m gonna pull the trigger on THAT one, Reverend Zesty needs to start having some pay days. It seems freedom isnt really free.
It’s hard for the public to take seriously a law that says marijuana and
heroin have exactly the same “high potential for abuse,” since that
ignores the vastly more addictive power of narcotics, which have
destroyed the lives of millions of people around the world.
So I will continue to be a criminal in the eye's of law enforcement, even though they seem to have issues of their own as evidenced by this video.
Cop rolls a kid for a quarter, goes home and makes pot brownies and freaks the fuck out because he ate too many of them. Fuckin' rookie. PROVING that people even in revenue - I mean LAW enforcement have no clue what marijuana is, does and how it works. EDUCATE yourselves. END MARIJUANA PROHIBITION NOW!
*******
Speaking of the police...In light of events that continue across America regarding unarmed citizens being murdered by trigger happy cops, I have been offering a book that I wrote a few years back called: "To Serve and Protect? - MY ASS!" Im offering it up FREE of charge to all my Rev Heads. STAY SAFE folks. BE SMART!
I have never really been the type of person to fit in with societal norms. Nothing ever appealed to me about the born, schooled, military, shit out a couple of kids, work at a job they hate, retire and die modality. On the contrary, I normally make it my business to do the exact opposite.
Those that DO go with this type of lifestyle choice are traditionally the most miserable, hateful and frustrated people I have ever met. Do you think there could be some correlation between the choices they make and their miserable existence?
People are so caught up in making a living that they forget how to design a life.
It used to be, a long ass time ago, that people such as my grandparents immigrated to America chasing their dreams. America was once the land of opportunity (STILL is IMO) and EVERYONE had a specific skill they used to support their family. My one grandfather was a tailor and the other was a mason by trade. They both lived by the creed of "spend a nickel and save a dime" and worked their trade while the wives stayed home and raised the kids and took care of the house.
They survived being a one income family. It was a much simpler time. So what the fuck happened What happened was greed. The times they are a changin' as Bob Dylan sang.
I just saw a movie called The Ledge with Sons of Anarchy's Charlie Hunnam. This movie came out a few years ago (2011) and I dont exactly know how I missed it.
It is about an Atheist battling a Christian about morals and life values that ends up with the Christian going crazy (or more crazy than he appeared) and giving the Atheist a life or death choice in how much he valued his beliefs.
Good movie as entertainment but I felt my blood starting to boil regarding the subject and the pomposity of Christians and other religious fucking whack-a-loons thinking they are superior with their fictional beliefs over the Free Thinker Realist.
For those who haven't seen this movie let me say that the premise is that Hunnam's character (The Atheist) is neighbors with a Christian couple and starts fucking the wife (played by Liv Tyler). Good Christian woman turned out to be a fucking nymphomaniac that was being sexually repressed by her two thrust done missionary lame fuck of a Christian husband.
Hubby finds out mainly because wife and heathen did nothing to try to hide their affair and kidnaps wife and threatens to kill her if her lover doesnt jump off a ledge at the stroke of noon.
Back when I was a kid, growing up in the 60‘s, we played in the dirt and created our own entertainment. We didn’t need to spend hundreds of dollars on the latest video game or iPhone, we were quite happy with a ball or even a stick. We had real, flesh and blood friends that we laughed, cried and fought with and we had each others backs. We had dreams. We had hope for our future.
We were fucking INVINCIBLE!
Slowly reality changes our views of the world and as I age I find myself saying shit my parents said. Terms like “the good old days” and “when I was your age” creep into your vocabulary.
Now our bodies rebel against us, becoming vengeful for a youth of abuse with jumping off of things we shouldn’t have been jumping from and the daredevil prat falls we used to take. Our body has learned to talk to us through a combination of aches, pains and noises it never used to make before 40 years of age. THAT seems to be the age when shit started going downhill, the age I discovered I could no longer read a Trivial Pursuit card without the use of a magnifying glass or bifocal lens.
Oh how the times have changed. Everything around us, things are going fucking looney tunes crazy and it just keeps getting worse and worse with every passing year. People are walking around carrying guns - like in the old west - just waiting for someone to cut them off in traffic or look at them funny...or maybe just be different so they can draw down on them, always ready for a good ole shoot-em-up.
What the fuck happened? Why the hell do people feel the need to carry a gun with them? In all the years of my life - and I have been in some touchy situations - I can never think of one time where looking back, having a gun would have helped.
Not once. EVER!
But I get how people are afraid right now. The world we live in has become a scarey and unpredictable place, I get that, but STILL I cant imagine EVER getting myself in a position to warrant gun play.
Even when I see a growing number of afraid, armed people walking around.
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Basically this means to just for the person to stop everything he/she is
doing and find the nearest gun, point it under their chin and pull the
trigger. That way they will no longer bother you and you can get some
peace and quiet without their pure bullshit spewing from their mouths.
If one continues you to harass you after you say this, you legally have
the right to make them discover what your fist tastes like. They cannot
sue you for any reason.
Latin origins of GO Fuck yourself: goeth fucketh yourselfus
Pictures of food in various stages of digestion, pot smoking, being drunk, failed attempts at being sexy and your idiot moron children. These are a few of the things that greet me every god damn morning when I flip on my computer.
Not only that I am assaulted by posts that people just had to share about how good their God is for giving them another day of life. I wonder how people that didn't feel about your God. Why does He like YOU better that the recently dearly departed?
Oh and don't get me started on all the political shit. Two sides pointing fingers at the other, pretty much hurling the same garbage at each other that they been slinging since the 18th century. These political junkies NEVER grow or evolve or progress because they are retarded by their prejudice and bigotry of the other side.
Then there are the home based biz op's that are everywhere. Everyone has the greatest "deal" to grace the planet where you can retire in a week with a million dollar residual monthly income without ever working and from the comfort of your pajamas.
But I don't mind pictures of your dogs though. Those are okay. Unless you are one of those sick PETA animal abuse fuckers that have countless pictures of bruised, broken and beaten dogs. Then you can just keep that shit to yourself.
Its also okay if I am the one posting the things that I despise. Things like what I ate or my political and religious opinions. Since I am the one that has all the answers, it is only my opinion that matters. The sooner you realize that its all about me and that I'm right and you're always wrong, the less stress you will feel when I call you out publicly to ridicule your opinion.
And by the way, quit making a fool of yourself by threatening to beat me up or hunt me down and kill me. We all know its nothing but a meaningless, useless, empty and childlike tantrum threat that only serves to make you look like a complete retard.
Just know that just because we are Facebook friends, that doesn't mean that we have to agree on every aspect of life. You have your ideals and so do I as do the rest of the world. You are going to encounter someone that does not share your zest and zeal on certain issues. Quit being a self righteous dick sniffer and know that I just don't care.
Coming down to The Ozarks after living in Chicago for so long was a bit of a culture shock in meeting a few of the folks down here. As in Chicago, we have our fair share of crazy but its more of a fun crazy here.
Most noticeable is the way these rednecks talk down here. (I use the term redneck with the utmost respect) The dialect. The slowness. The phrases. I told Sue that the first time I say "y'all" she has my permission to hit me....HARD...with a fucking hammer.
I was in a Walmart (Im embarrassed to admit but there are 11 of the fuckers in this town) and a sales clerk in the electronics section said this to me.
"Iffin youd be more spific bout what you be askin I might be able to help youins out"
It was like my computer after a power surge. My brain just stopped for a split second and it took a while for the lights to come back on. I asked him to repeat himself a few times, feigning a mild stroke so he wouldn't think I was making fun of him which I was no doubt going to do for the remainder of the day.
I went out for a quick lunch at (appropriately) The Waffle House where I guess they were short staffed on servers that day where a waitress said to me:
"I'll be over yonder dreckly, y'all just hafta wait a minute"
I had to ask one of the locals to translate for me what the fuck she just said only to hear him say:
"They're busier than a cat burying a shit today and that she was movin' quick for a woman sportin an ass two axe handles wide"
I just stood there in stunned silence, feeling a bit of drool sliding down my chin, with a glassy, vacant stare. I was shaken from my catatonic state by another concerned patron saying that I looked like "I was wound tighter thana banjo string" THATS when I decided it was time to go. Nothing good can come from a redneck thinking about a banjo.
I was "sweatin' like a whore in church" until I realized these were my people now. My friends. My neighbors. My townies. Even though I was looked at as being an outsider because I wasn't anyone's cousin, I was told I ALWAYS had an open invite to tag along when Snipe season opens next week.
And what sez being thankful more than attending a fest where live turkeys are dropped from an airplane circling overhead?
Leave me your comments below and be sure to check out The Beer Machine!
It's been a rather quiet Superbowl week compared to years past. Used to be that we would see teases of the advertising and there would be hype about half-time entertainment but all that, the once great pomp and circumstances, is suspiciously silent this year.
Those paying the high ad dollars this year are Wix.com, Snickers, Skittles, McDonalds, Dove and Dorito's. Katy Perry (WHO?) is the half-time performer. >yawn<
But I think there is also going to be a football game being played as well. Seahawks and Patriots lock horns with Tom Brady trying to keep The Hawks from repeating. Should be a pretty good game despite the lackluster commercials and half-time show.
It seems this year what seems to be dominating the news stories revolves around The Patriots and their under inflated balls.
So if I was a betting man I would pick Seattle in what I see (and hope) to be a great game.
ESPN's Take On Superbowl
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I just read an article saying that over 80 million people in America believe that God will decide who wins The Superbowl. I swear just when I start having just a wee bit of faith in my fellow primates I see shit like this.
My head hurts.
A few days ago I read another story. One equally as ridiculous but this one featured a man and his family that missed their flight only to learn that that flight hd crashed killing everyone on board. You know, a real feel good story. This man proceeded to thank his God proclaiming what a loving God He was.
I was left wondering what those that perished would have thought of that statement.
Doing research for the upcoming podcast and video I was entertained by snake handlers, lunatics in spirit and goofy ass preachers, so mr brain is about to ooze out of my left ear. Maybe I'll try watching some television. Maybe not.
It's almost as if I have a "stupid" magnet where it just seems wherever I go the stupid people follow me like The Pied Pipers mice. I think maybe I should become a Republican, but that would only be for laughs.
So I need to start recharging the ole batteries and start pumping in some educational, motivational and positive things to entertain me. As luck would have it The Royal Rumble is on tonight. What better way to get back on track than some WWE.
So check out my podcast, Intellectual Coitus by hitting the banner below. Leave me a comment.
Its no secret I think the
world’s religions are a bane on mankind and in a perfect world they would be
abolished. The death and destruction caused under the name of their chosen deity
has been insurmountable in comparison to any other plague to grace our planet.
But there is one crazy ass belief that stands out head and shoulders among the
rest of their nonsense and that is their fear of a toy. The Ouija board. This
game has them scurrying around blessing themselves and driving them to their
knees in desperate prayers.
For me, it just makes the
game that much more fun.
It baffles me how someone could place so much credence on a piece of cardboard and a hunk of plastic, but then I think about how they can see a tortured man - beaten, bloody and nailed to a stick, hanging until he died - as a vision depicting love. These crazy fuckers actually believe that this toy from Hasbro "opens portals" and "summons demons" and other goofy shit. Is there no end to this superstitious, gullible, credulous, looney tunes, bat shit crazy bullshit? These people are living proof that we have not evolved much from primitive man. The problem lies in the unfortunate fact that these morons can breed, further poisoning their lineage with their insanity.
You might ask; "well whats the problem with letting them believe what they want?' and I can only answer that one way. Because it is destroying the world. I tend to base my beliefs on things factual and the facts are abundantly clear how dangerous religious beliefs can be. Some of history's most infamous believers in God include George Bush and Adolf Hitler (Christian), Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi (Islam) Ariel Sharon and Benjamin Nethanyahu (Judaism) But dont you dare go feeling left out Atheists, we have Benito Mussolini and Slobodan Milosevic. But having a life, free from the spiritual bondage of religion, I have discovered a thirst for knowledge. REAL things. I have discovered a new found love for education. This is quite different in the life of the believer who only desires to believe Satan communicates to us through rock music and that some toys are actually keys to the gates of hell. In Bob Dylan's song "With God On Our Side" I think he sums it up quite well.
The confusion I'm feelin'
Ain't no tongue can tell
The words fill my head
And fall to the floor
If God's on our side
He'll stop the next war.
I'm tired. Not sleepy tired but just need to sit back and relax, thinking about nothing at all.
Mexicans call this time I seek a siesta. My grandfather called it a nap and I'm a HUGE fan of naps. I actually have the time scheduled in my day planner to do this today. That might sound silly to some but its just as important as the meetings I have scheduled this afternoon. Taking time to recharge is vital in peoples lives, especially after turning 50. Its AMAZING how even 15 minutes invigorates the body, mind and soul.
Plus Im a lazy hippie. Napping is what us slackers do best. Thankfully, I dont have to worry about
having a j.o.b. to get in my way. Bosses are so NOT understanding when they used to catch me sleeping in my cubicle.
I realize this is a luxury that most people cant relish because they got caught up somewhere along the way into irking out a meager living and hating their place of employment. Then they go home to a equally miserable spouse because they do the same damn thing so when they see each other, well I wouldn't exactly call it "quality time."
Dont get me wrong, I work quite hard on Intellectual Coitus and being Reverend Zesty, but the difference is that I do what I want, when I want and have no boss to answer to. I made a job for myself and that affords me the freedom and independence to do just that. I cant understand why everyone doesn't do things like that.
A recent poll has revealed that 75% of the workforce HATE their jobs. Imagine that. Waking up every damn day dreading the vast majority of your day. Is it any wonder why people are such miserable, hateful assholes?
It doesn't surprise me one bit.
Seems to me that if you are the least bit different, in view, thoughts, skin color, sexual orientation, where you live or how you live, from another person, you are fuel to this persons hateful flame of indignation. These same people ingrain their hateful, nasty, mean spirit into their kids as well so guess what? Hate becomes their legacy.
So what are MY personal defenses against the hate in the world we occupy? How do I keep a smile on my face and a song in my heart?
Weed and alcohol. Not that Im in a perpetual state of intoxication, I DO practice moderation with my habits, but it helps me remain relatively calm in the face of peoples batshit craziness. THAT works for me.
Check out the offer below and leave your comments.
Primitive people have used scarification and other
body modifications to define tribal membership for as long as history
records. But genital mutilation allowed our ancestors several additional
perks—if you want to call them that.
Infant circumcision serves as a
sign of tribal membership in Jews, but circumcision also serves to test
the commitment of adult converts. In one Bible story, a chieftain agrees
to convert and submit his clan to the procedure as a show of commitment
to a peace treaty.
This story didn't end all that well because while the men lie incapacitated with pieces of their dick's cut off, the entire tribe is
then wiped out by the Israelites.
In Islam, painful male circumcision serves as a rite of passage into
manhood and serves as an initiation into a powerful club. By contrast, in some Muslim
cultures cutting away or burning the female clitoris and labia ritually
establishes the submission of women by reducing sexual arousal. An estimated 2 million girls annually are subjected to this procedure to this day, with consequences including hemorrhage, infection, painful urination and death.
Remember Marshall Applewhite? He was the crazy ass cult leader that convinced his followers to cut off their sex sabers and drink poison awaiting the arrival of Comet Hale-Bop.
What is it about religion that prompts people to destroy and mutilate their genitalia?
But I really don't blame religion entirely. After all, people have brains, people have choices and unless you have a fucking gun stuck to the side of your head, we have free will. People are destroying their sex parts intentionally. Why?
The answer is way too complex for me to think about right now or to even give a shit. Whenever I try to make sense of nonsense I get all worked up. My blood pressure escalates, my head turns all re and I feel my sphincter pucker.
What fascinates me though is not so much the actual act but the events leading up to it. That's far more interesting. The subtle mind control, Jedi-like in nature. I get the fact that people feel a need to belong to something or somewhere, but if I was involved with ANY organization, church, club, family, temple, abbey, sanctuary or basilica that told me to mangle my meat, I would say ADIOS MUCHACHA and run like I was being chased by the cops.
The closest I ever came was when I was much younger, when sex ruled and occupied every waking moment of my life. I explored fetishism, it seemed to be all the rage. I've seen it in Hustler (who doesn't love Larry Flint) But I was looking more at rubber masks, ball gags, blow up dolls and spiked dildos.
Then I thought maybe a swingers club. That would be fun. All those chicks, going crazy, hungry for my knob but you have to become a member and MY member just didn't "measure up, if you smell what I'm cookin'. So my girlfriend suggested Tantric sex, a blending of sex and spirituality, but you have to practically be a fucking Gumby doll to do it. I slipped a disk in my back trying to blow myself, so that was the end of that.
I didn't like bondage (I have trust issues) and I discovered I didn't enjoy S&M either. Whips and chains, hooks and clamps caused WAY too much pain, I might as well have stuck with another one of my ex girls suggestion and get my dick pierced. (not just a Prince Albert but she wanted me to get an Iron Cross - fucking psycho bitch) and being gay just aint my way (but I DO enjoy their bars)
Turns out I'm just not into self mutilation. I know, I'm a freak right? I must face the fact that perversions are just not my scene so if its all the same to you, I'll just stay home and jerk myself off.
Tonight our illustrious and fearless leader takes the stage to talk about the shape our country is in and oh what a show he has planned for us.
Anyone who is anybody will be in attendance. Congressmen, senators, pages and prostitutes - both democratic and republicans, sitting on opposite sides of the theater of course - all on the edge of their seats, hanging on his every word.
Behind him will be our vice president, "Angry" Joe Biden, and house speaker John “The Crier” Boehner, both probably looking a bit constipated and uninterested.
The democrats on hand will interrupt the president numerous times throughout the night with rousing applause and cheers at his accomplishments this past year, while the republicans sit, arms folded tightly across their bosoms, looking like they are ready to fight at the drop of a hat. Its the show of shows on the grandest stage of them all. It’s the Wrestlemania event of political theater.
And like a true Wrestlemania event, with cameras rolling, the faces and the heels will do their best to appear rueful of the opposing team, with republicans refusing to clap or to give a standing ovation to what has just been puked forth by our President but behind the scenes, once the cameras are turned away, they stroke each other to a messy climax.
Like wrestling, the State of the Union address is very predictable...and phony...so I thought that if you are forced to do your Patriotic duty and watch this shit, you might as well make a game of it.
A DRINKING game - it IS the American way of course.
There are many versions of this game and rules vary, but one thing is certain. By the time Obama walks away from the podium and meanders through the audience shaking hands and kissing babies, your party will be bombed off your asses. Which come to think of it is appropriate with current and past presidential accomplishments.
Here’s how we play at MY house:
First of all, we drink beer. Domestic NOT import (DUH!) Also, in honor of Colorado and other state’s relaxing of marijuana laws, weed is involved. Last year we tried doing bong rips whenever Obama made a karate chop gesture with his hand. This year however that aspect of the game will be changed because he made that move 46 fucking times in his last speech.
Instructions include:
- Taking 1 sip whenever Obama praises another economic power like the European Union or Israel --- Taking 2 sips if Biden doesn't laugh when Speaker John Boehner whispers something to him.
- NEW RULE for 2015 -you must completely drain your glass if Obama says the word “racism”, or mentions Ferguson MO.
- You have to drink for the entire duration of Rep. Nancy Pelosi's hug with Obama,
- Bounce a quarter into a shot glass whenever he says "free education"
- Take a hit of weed for "gas prices."
- If you're a Democrat watching the State of the Union with Republicans, make them drink whenever Obama gets a standing ovation.
To makes things competitive, break of into teams! Give them separate word lists like team A has to drink whenever Obama says "Congress," "Iran," "health" or "challenge." Team B drinks at the mention of "opportunity," the "future," "work" and the "military."
At least this will make the night interesting and the mess we clean up tomorrow will be of our own doing.
They were all over the internet today, Story after story about Tom Brady's balls.
This is not in reference to the guts he has shown the entire season, nor is it meant as a commentary about his testiculars. The story dominating the sporting news today was about The New England Patriots being accused of using under inflated footballs in their 45 -7 demolition of The Indianapolis Colts in yesterdays AFC championship game.
I dont think that I can recall a season where there was so many crybaby losers crying some sort of foul after their team lost a playoff game. Not EVER! It all started after the Detroit game against Dallas where The Cowboys came back for a win in the final minutes of the game. Ndamukong Suh who in my opinion is the dirtiest player in the game today - 6' 4" 305 lbs of jacked up crazy - broke down in tears during the post game press conference, furthering his great unsportsmanlike reputation while being an influential role model for the kids.
"We never thought we would lose the game. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...." the big pussy cried. He could barely control his emotions. What a sore loser. Then there was the Detroit fans that whined ENDLESSLY about bad officiating and how the ref's were all against The Lions and other nonsense.
AGAIN...SORE LOSERS.
But then again the people of Detroit have a lot to complain about. First and foremost is being from Detroit, the armpit of America.
Then the following week when Dallas was beaten by The Packers in a final minutes play that would have given Dallas the win but was rightly reversed. What was ruled on the field as a 4th down reception to the 1 yard line was show by replay to actually be an incomplete pass and a turnover on downs. Green Bay ball.
And oh how The Cowboy fans wept.
Now Indy is whining about deflated balls???
I think the only deflated balls belong to Colts fans who, despite having (Andrew) Luck on their side, got the snot stomped out of them by a team that outplayed and outclassed them on every side of the ball.
So the stage has been set for Superbowl XLIX pitting The Seattle Seahawks against The New England Patriots. So let the party begin, let the better team win and PLEASE - no matter who wins - take your win as a champion and your loss with dignity. NO excuses. NO tears. NO whining.
I will be hosting the Intellectual Coitus podcast with Blog Talk Radio again. The reason for this is because they offer more bang for the buck and is simple to use. I also have the ability to take calls if I so desire in the future.
